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I don't know if I'll ever tell my children about you.

(I don't know if I'll even have descendants.)

A family was never on my to-do list,

 

until you came along.

 

You made me wonder if I wanted kids, just so I could say to them

"You know, the day your dad and I met…"

because I thought we could last forever,

 

and I'm still not sure if we have.

 

Our friendship endures, even as I fall asleep

picturing her arms around you,

 

and I wonder if you'll ever come back to me

but spend every day noticing the reasons I'm glad you left

 

and hoping you'll return.

 

Never intending to fall in love,

we were an item

before you knew my name.

 

She reclaimed you,

and yet

 

you still belong to me

 

by virtue of the ampersand connecting our names

in the mind of every person

who watched us walk,

 

tall & short,

monochrome & kaleidoscope,

yin & yang,

 

through the winding, leaf-littered pathways

that are our life.

 

This story does not need a resolution.

 

Some actions remain unexplained,

some motives unanalyzed,

 

and that is how it should be

 

because an ending, however happy, is the end,

and we are only just beginning.

 

I actually started with the last few lines here and then tried to write a poem that fit them. It's one of the most honest peices I have created, although not entirely autobiographical. 

Comments and respectful, constructive critiques are always welcome. I would especially like to know if you think the line structure of the poem works. I tried to emphasize certain phrases, but does this structure obscure or break up complete thoughts or ideas anywhere in the piece? Also, do you think the flow is organic enough, or does there need to be something more between the middle and the end? 

For theWrittenRevolution: my critique of littlelines's poem


EDIT: Thank you so much for the DD! I am very surprised and grateful to receive it. Thanks to GrimFace242 for featuring my work!

:star: As always, feel free to share this, but please credit me (SeaPlume) and send me a link if you post this anywhere else online (Facebook, tumblr, etc.). Also, if you copy or download the text, please also favorite the deviation so that I can see that you like it. Thanks!
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2014-11-30
:iconobsydiandreamer:
Hello, I'm ObsydianDreamer, here to give you a critique! Before I start, I'd just like to say that you're free to disregard anything I say - This is just my opinion on your piece. :)

First of all, to answer your question regarding line structure; I do think it works. It makes them seem like separate ideas, while still keeping them linked together for the overall story. The break up seems a little forced at some points, but overall it seems to flow organically.

Now, for things I like about this poem:
I like the overall idea of the poem, and the way it all connects together. I also love the imagery, especially this section:

tall & short,

monochrome & kaleidoscope,

yin & yang,


This use of interconnecting opposites really connects with the idea of the two "lovers".

As for points to improve, it's hard to pick out; this poem is very good. I suppose you could review your poem for forced line break ups, but apart from that, there's not much more I can say.

This is a beautiful poem, very deserving of it's DD! Congratulations, and keep writing.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconwolfgrrl92:
wolfgrrl92 Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is very lovely as a written piece, and a disturbingly accurate description of my previous relationship with a fellow Deviant. :o 
Well done, and thank you for articulating the things that aren't always easy to speak. :heart:
Reply
:iconjustreese:
JustReese Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014  Student Writer
Wow wow wow. So amazing. Great phrasing
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you all so much! I am incredibly touched by all your thoughtful comments.
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... This is both sad and beautiful, and a wonderful piece of poetry.  Congrats on the DD.  Absolutely well deserved.
Reply
:iconbluelioneyes:
BlueLionEyes Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is beautiful! Congrats on your DD!~ :heart:
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD, beautiful poetry! :dalove:
Have a nice day! :love: by CookiemagiK
Reply
:iconkitt-otter:
Kitt-Otter Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful and honest. I was most struck by 'This story does not need a resolution.'
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you! That's one of my favorite lines, too. 
Reply
:icontarzok:
Tarzok Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014
:clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014
In an effort to give more exposure to literature DDs, theWrittenRevolution (and myself) is featuring your work on their profile page. Congratulations on your DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you so much! I really appreciate the exposure! :heart:
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014
(: it's our pleasure.
Reply
:iconthewarofthering:
TheWarOfTheRing Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014
Great idea! I suppose all DDs need a bit more exposure due to the site's more recent formatting changes, but many's the time I've skipped the small box of writing to look at the next beautiful picture. 
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2014
:nod: they do! and yes, I know what you mean, but of course I can't force people to read, so I just make it easier for them to. ;)
Reply
:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2014   Writer
Beautiful piece, I love how it "flows" as I read, like thoughts written down :heart:
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Student General Artist
I'm very glad you think it flows well. Putting my thoughts on paper as directly as possible is pretty much how I write poetry!
Reply
:iconlady-yume:
Lady-Yume Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2014   Writer
My pleasure :heart: ( and the same goes for me~ )
Reply
:iconcmbaggs:
CMBaggs Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2014
Yes, I would have to say that this very much rings of honesty. Beautiful.
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you! I was hoping that this would read as less contrived or "watered down" than some of my other pieces, so I'm very glad that you agree. 
Reply
:iconcmbaggs:
CMBaggs Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2014
I don't always comment. But when I do it's because something moved me. :)
Reply
:iconarenadeborah:
ArenaDeborah Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Awesome Poem my Compliments Clap 
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you so much. I'm very grateful that you appreciate my work. 
Reply
:iconarenadeborah:
ArenaDeborah Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
you are very Welcome :D (Big Grin) 
Reply
:iconsecret-ninja-super-m:
SECRET-NINJA-SUPER-M Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I loved this, it's beautiful. The beginning and the end are my favourite parts, but I also adored the part about "monochrome & kaleidoscope".
Reply
:iconseaplume:
SeaPlume Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2014  Student General Artist
Thank you!  I'm relieved to hear that "monochrome and kaleidoscope" work in that order because I had originally written that phrase reversed and changed it to more accurately reflect the comparison I was making. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Reply
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